Mandatory Credit: David Cannon/ALLSPORT

Top 5 absolutely absurd scoring records

In a world were Ronaldo and Messi break records at an absolute canter, we look at football histories other baosutely absurd goal scoring records. The good and the absolutely awful included.

Steve Bruce smashed in 19 goals in a season playing as a centre back.

Famous for yo-yo-ing up and down the country’s top two tiers of English football as a manager, having his belly tickled every time he faced his mentor Sir Alex Ferguson and more recently the inspired Twitter page ‘Steve Bruce at Weddings’; prior to all that the former centre-half, along with side-kick Gary Pallister ( for which they were both affectionately nicknamed ‘Dolly and Daisy’), was busy being the absolute rock at the heart of Manchester United’s defence during the clubs early 90’s dominance

Considered by many to be the greatest Englishman never to play for England, Bruce claimed Premier League titles, FA Cup trophies, League Cup winners medals and even a Cup Winners Cup all within an 8 year period, however, a far more impressive feat occurred during the 90/91 season.

Bruce notched up and incredible 19 goals (13 in the league) all from his default position of centre-back, eventually sharing the clubs top scorer gong with Scotsman Brain McClair. Eleven of these came from the penalty spot – which still leaves an incredible 8 goals in open play. Most, of course, came from headers, a remarkable achievement for an averagely sized defender.

Of course noticeable mentions go to fellow goal scoring defenders Stuart Pearce (16 goals in a season, 0 penalties) and current Southampton boss Ronald Keoman slammed in 19 whilst playing in the Eredivisie, however due to Bruce’s stiff and functionable on the pitch nature; we see his achievements as all the more ridiculous.

Just look at the man in action during 1996’s trip to Reading.

That’s nineteen goals in a season…..nine..teen.

Fernando Peyroteo goal scoring ratio for Sporting Lisbon was far better than Messi

World Cup winners medal or no World Cup winners medal, Lionel Messi quite rightly has a claim to be the greatest player to ever play the game. Which is all the more remarkable when you find a record that even he will never be able to break, nay a record that in fact pisses all over the Argentine.

Consider Fernando Peyroteo.

Born on a Portuguese colony in Angola in 1918, Peyroteo made 187 career appearances for Sporting Lisbon during the late 30’s/40’s, forming a fifth of the clubs legendary quintuple of Jesus Correia, Manuel Vasques, Albano and Travassos. During this time an almighty 331 goals were scored in the countries National Championship.

331!…. that’s an 1.7 goals per game return.

During one season the striker scored 9 goals in one game, then 8 in another. An absurd rate by anyone’s standard.

The man’s goal scoring was unmatched in the top tier of Portuguese football on five occasions, claiming the the top scorer award in 1937/38 (29 goals) 1940/41 (again 29), 1945/46 (37), in 46/47 (43), and in 48/49 (40).

Eventually, the record breaker hung up is boats at the age of 31, possibly due to financial struggles, possibly due to the various stress conditions inflicted on every defender he ever faced.

In a word…deadly.

Goalkeeper Rogerio Ceni’s has scored 128 career goals


Whilst former Paraguayan international Jose Luis Chilavert quite rightly earns his place in infamy as a great goal-scoring goalkeeper, there is only one true king.

Step forward Rogerio Ceni.

Like Chilavert, Ceni is so good at free-kicks and penalties, his side feel they can quite well do without the need for his services between the sticks for the five minutes it takes for him to travel the length of the pitch back and forth to convert them.

And their confidence is bloody well justified.

Ceni has converted 128 set piece goals in his career. And playing into the grand old age of 42, clearly, São Paulo wouldn’t even have been deterred if crippling arthritis had given his hands the dexterity of rocks, fact is when Ceni shoots, he usually scores.

Nothing encapsulated his genius quite like the recent moment he entered the top 10 ALL TIME scorers list for São Paulo.

Here’s 127 of them


Mauro Shampoo – 1 goal in 10 seasons from midfield

Known in some quarters as the worst player to ever play the game, Mauro Shampoo scored an incredible 1 goal in 10 seasons, captaining his side Ibis in the Pernambeco State first division in the late 1970’s. Under his stewardship, the side failed to win a single game in 3 consecutive years – earning them a place in the Guinness Book of World Records.

You’d think a record of such would be about as welcome as cholera, Mauro, however, embraced it with open arms, even saying ‘ it was a great privilege to have that reputation’, very much due to the national popularity that following such an unbelievably poor team, and being an unbelievably poor player brought.

As you can see from the above photo, Mauro Shampoo is the sort of character that craves attention.

Why was he called ‘shampoo’? well get this, the former midfielder worked as a hairdresser for much of the time he played, being it a Brazilian football tradition to be known by your local nickname, a football icon was born. Much of his Z list celebrity status came after his playing days – combining his passion for football with his passion for hairdressing.

Interesting Fact: with the above nickname/name logic, Mauro has assigned the names ‘Toothcomb’ for his wife, and ‘Cream Rinse’, ‘Secador’ (dryer) and ‘Shamoozinho’ (little shampoo) for his three children.

Here’s the man in action appearing on Brazilian TV:


Stan van den Buys – 3 own goals in one game

Stan Ben den Buys is currently assistant coach at at the quite wonderfully named Germinal Beerschot, it’s this incident from 1995 however that has become his defining moment.

Facing off against fellow Belgians Anderlecht for then club Germinal Ekeren in the Belgian Jupiler League, Ben den Buys somehow managed to conjure up not 1, not 2 but 3 own goals in one match….a match they lost 3-2.

Here’s footage in the below link (sorry no embed).

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