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Sam Allardyce becomes the happiest man alive after being named England manager

Sure, you may have reservations about Sam Allardyce’s lack of top level experience, you may have reservations about his win at all costs footballing style, you may even have reservations about his, at times, off the scale smugness.

However.

Just look at his little face.

That’s right lady’s and gents, at the behest of Sunderland football club and perhaps West Ham fans, Sam Allardyce is the brand new England manager.

After a handful of weeks deliberating who should take the reigns, the FA’s king makers (that’s Martin Glenn, the chief executive; Dan Ashworth, the technical director; and David Gill, the vice-chairman) settled on the former Bolton Wanderers manager ahead of such luminaries as Steven Bruce and Jurgen Klinsmann.

The man affectionately known as ‘Big Sam’ has signed an initial performance based two-year deal, if the man performs to certain set criteria, his contract could potentially be worth about £3.5m a year. An offer that has come as sweet music to the ears of the 61-year old after first applying for the position back in 2006.

Grinning from ear-to-ear at the prospect of getting hold of the England first team, Allardyce commented during his official unveiling.

“I will do everything I can to help England do well and give our nation the success our fans deserve. Above all, we have to make the people and the whole country proud. While my main focus will be on the senior team and getting positive results, I want to add my influence to the great work being done across the development teams at St George’s Park. I know we have talented, committed players and it is time for us to deliver.”

Speaking on what was a unanimous decision according to his fellow panel members, Martin Glenn commented;

“Sam Allardyce is the right man for the England job,” Glenn said. “His excellent managerial credentials, including his ability to realise the potential of players and teams, develop a strong team ethos and embrace modern methods that enhance performance, made him the outstanding choice. That was underlined when we sat down to talk and we could not help but be energised by his personal perspective on England’s future and how it complemented the extensive work that we are looking to build on at St George’s Park. Ultimately we could not look beyond Sam as the ideal candidate.”

In the wake of yet another disappointing tournament display, Allardyce has been seen by many as the ‘realists’ choice. A step in the direction of defensive organisation and bulldog spirit. Whilst we certainly don’t begrudge the man his deserved appointment, we’re bracing ourselves for some wretched 1-0 away displays to the likes of Slovenia in the coming years.