When the gaffer sat down with his backroom team, deciding on his order, he asked fitness coach Tony Strudwick what he was getting – and told him he’d take it if it looked good.
When the meals arrived, Pards said to Tony, ‘Yours looks better, I’m having that,’ and swapped plates.
I told him you can’t just take someone else’s dinner. Pards retorted, ‘When you’re the king, you can do anything’.
– There’s Only One Stevie Bacon: My Life Watching West Ham Through a Camera Lens
Despite some horrific league form of late, Crystal Palace have the opportunity to claim their first ever trophy, a second attempt at the FA Cup after their famous 1990 run – all that stands in their way is Louis Van Gaal’s Manchester United side. Whilst Palace have every right to be confident, their success may just depend on certain Alan Pardew finding that infamous self belief.
Arguably the most likeable team in the league managed by, in some peoples eyes, the most laughable manager. Whatever Alan does in his management career, it’s fair to say he will always be seen by some as just preposterous.
When things are going to his well refined plans, confidence exudes from those shiny white teeth like a newborn star, nothing can get in his way, he truly is at these moments a footballing juggernaut.
His teams depend on Alan buying into himself ‘Alan – the brand’, full ‘Pards mode’ if you will – it goes a long way to suggest why the time spent with his previous clubs has been anything but dull.
Born in Wimbledon, Pardew started his career in the non league, playing for such outfits as Whyteleafe Dulwich Hamlet, Yeovil Town and Epsom & Ewell all whilst being employed as a glazier. After representing England at a Semi-Professional level, Crystal Palace, then in the Second Division, forked £7,500 for his services. In 1989, he helped Palace attain First Division status after beating Blackburn Rovers in the play-offs.
A truly impressive tale of rags to riches got even better when just a year later a 27-year old Pardew became a Palace folk legend by scoring the winning goal in extra time against Liverpool after an enthralling FA Cup semi-final at Villa Park. Whilst they were marginally undone by Manchester United in a Cup final replay, it still ranks among the clubs finest achievement and grants their former midfielder a hell of a lot of good will.
When things are going to plan, it’s almost like Pardew has absolutely no memory of the bad times. This may well be his biggest weakness and his greatest asset. This season Palace climbed the tables with just 6 defeats in the first 17 matches. Not only was the side getting points, but playing exciting attacking football to boot.
Since his fortunes on the pitch improved, and with a question marks over his conduct following previous acts of misconduct, Pardew has kept a low profile. Of course by low profile we mean, well, smug.
Here’s an interview he gave for the excellent ‘Men in Blazers’, a US based podcast, when he was at the height of his powers in December,
Just a few minutes of that will show you a calm, collected man, who’s just ever so slightly pleased with himself. Added to that are the many memorable post match interviews this season when his team have proved victorious (or should we say when he had the last laugh).
In one shining example the former non league player basked in the glory that was beating a Jose Mourinho led Chelsea at Stamford Bridge in September, commenting;
“We were very good. I thought it was a cracking Premier League game… Chelsea played their part.”
Played their part! The league champions played their part? Premier League level piss-taking of ever their was one.
Then came the moment he definitely did not want anyone to consider him for the England job
“I haven’t brought it up once, “I don’t want to talk about it today, it’s not on my agenda and I’m quite happy at Crystal Palace.” He then added “But it’s the England job. If you’re English and don’t want it then there must be something wrong with you.”
Come the New Year a 1-0 away defeat to bottom feeders Aston Villa set off a rotten sequence of results.
Currently the club sit in 17th, one league win in 20, and, apart from Villa, the Premier Leagues worst club in 2016. Grim reading for Eagles fans.
Compounding their misery, many avid supporter will tell you that this is their most impressive squad in history. The creativity of Johan Cabeye partnered with the steely resolve of Mile Jedinak at the heart of the midfield, accompanied by the flying menace of Zaha, Bolasie and Puncheon in the three attacking position ahead of them. Considering that attacking capability, it’s not surprising that eyebrows have been raised following some pretty abhorrent league form since Christmas. For a squad the size of Crystal Palace’s, peaks and troths go with the territory.
Perhaps the fault of this seasons slump falls at the feat of the men tasked with putting the ball away. Up front Palace are not short of striking options. However combined Connor Wickham, Frazier Campbell, Dwight Gayle, Andy Johnson, Marouane Chamakh and Emmanuel Adebayor have accounted for just 14 of the sides goals (all comp) this season.
Attacking shortcoming, injuries, loss of form, whatever the reason, one things for sure, Pardew hasn’t been the same since the results dried up. Perhaps here in fact lies the root of the sides issues. With his side not getting the rub of the green when it came to referring decisions during a 2-1 home defeat to Liverpool, Pardew ever so slightly lost his grip.
It’s not often you see a Premier League manager, especially one so bolshy, looking so shaken. Just as their manager lost his grip (he even referred to it weeks later in his hilarious programme notes), the team indeed lost theirs as wins became un-attainable.
In his previous employment as Newcastle manager, the stress manifested itself more aggressively. With the Magpies up against Steve Bruce’s soon to be relegated Hull City in his final season in charge, Pardew was angered when Meyler shoved past him in an attempt to retrieve the ball to take a throw-in.
The pair came together, with the former Reading and Southampton boss pushing his head into the face of the Hull player.
A fracas involving players and staff from both sides followed and, when the crowd was dispersed, Meyler was booked and Pardew sent from the touchline.
Speaking after the match, Pardew said: “I did not mean any damage to the guy but I have moved my head forward. I tried to push him away with my head.
“I apologise to everyone. I should not have got involved in it.
“I don’t think it was a headbutt. It wasn’t a motion that was quick.”
Then there was an incident in Jan 2014 when the then Magpies boss was captured verbally abusing Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini on the sidelines.
Soon after that incident, Pardew moved on to Palace following a fractious relationship with Magpies players and, most of all, fans.
All of that’s in the past for our Alan. A possibility of an trophy looms large.
To claim victory over Man Utd in their FA Cup final meeting in three weeks time, Pardew will need to depart from his passive aggressive nature and, as much as we hate to say it, instead revert to that self assured, self worship shtick. Whilst it grates on the rest of us, the Palace players only seem to respond to it. Judging from the weekends activities, he may already be doing so.
Revelling in his sides hard fought semi final win over Watford, Pardew brought back Alan Partridge levels of absurdity by describing Yannick Bolasie’s headed opener as a ‘homage’ to his very own 27 years earlier. In a word, celebrating by hailing himself.
Could it really be anymore Pardew?
All hail the king of absurdity.